Dating a dancer can carry plenty of misunderstandings. Without an understanding of the social norms of the ballroom dance world, it’s hardly surprising that, when you see your beau enfolded in the arms of another, smiling as they move together, your first impulse is to grab your partner’s arm pull them off the floor.
Part of dating a dancer means accepting that ballroom dancing follows different rules from your standard bump n’ grind club. So how do you know what’s acceptable and what isn’t?
A summary of ballroom social norms
At your average ballroom or Latin club, it’s very common to dance with multiple partners (although some couples do dance ‘exclusively’). Sometimes they will dance quite closely to each other, either because a particular dance style calls for it, or they are (or want to appear to be) using more advanced technique. You might even see them exchange numbers afterwards! And yet, none of this means they are ‘interested’ in each other. When dating a dancer, adhere to the lyrics of ‘save the last dance for me’.
Why are you jealous?
For a non-dancer dating a dancer, it’s easy to get a feeling that something isn’t right when watching your partner dancing with others. And yet, those feelings can often be distorted, causing you to take rash actions, like shouting at your partner in public.
To test your feelings, take this 3-step approach:
- Ask: Are there any facts that support the way I feel? For example, are they flirting with their dance partner off the dance floor? Do they have a history of flirting with strangers, and dismissing your complaints about it?
- Ask: Could there be any other reason why my partner and this person seem to be acting so close? Examples include: he’s a long-lost friend, a teacher she used to take lessons with, or she’s just a social person who likes to meet new friends and dance partners!
- Be honest with yourself about any insecurities you may have about your dancing partner. For example, do you have a history of people telling you that you are overreacting, and that this is just part of dating a dancer?
When is it going too far?
Ultimately, you may have to have ‘the awkward conversation’ with your partner. I strongly recommend you avoid accusations or ultimatums, but just tell them how you feel. This gives your partner a chance to tell you their side of the story, which may well save your relationship. And if you still feel what they are doing isn’t right, and they aren’t willing to change, say goodbye: No one is worth compromising your values for.
About the Author
Ian Crewe has been dancing ballroom for over 18 years, and has a Licentiate in American smooth and rhythm. His passion for dance and his endless seeking for ways to reach new audiences eventually led him to blogging and the World Wide Web. Ian currently teaches at the Joy of Dance Centre, Toronto, ON, Canada. Click here to see Ian’s current teaching schedule.
What if the problem is not jealousy about what can happen if they flirt after the dance or what happens once the dance is over? What if the problem is just bachata, for example is too sensual, and even though it’s “just a dance”, you don’t think that sort of intimacy should be shared with anyone other than your SO, just because of values. The touching, the closeness, the slight flirting, the insinuating body rolls.. ect.. Sometimes it’s not just all harmless dancing, flirting is flirting on or off the dance floor whether it’s meaningless or not.
Hi Erick,
If I understand correctly, your main concern is that bachata, which has a lot of flirtatious moves, creates opportunities for inappropriate behaviour.
It’s true that some people use dancing as a way to “pick up” others – those individuals are generally more interested in being inappropriate than actually dancing well, and it shows. I strongly feel however, that this type of behaviour is limited to a relatively small proportion of the dancing population. Most people, whether they dance bachata or otherwise, are just showing up to have fun.
When I first started dancing at Latin clubs, I was frequently confused about the intentions of the people I danced with, because I didn’t understand the etiquette. Over time, I realized that dancing has its own rules, and while it’s considered okay to move more suggestively during a bachata, that ends as soon as the song does. And yes, if you cross a line, you still risk getting labelled a creep, and/or thrown out of the social.
None of this by the way, is intended to imply there is something wrong with your values. I am not sure how experienced a dancer you are, and my intention here is simply to share how social dancers typically feel about the dance scene.
All that said, it’s a good idea to decide with your SO on which moves are going too far. I would caution however, that they may not see bachata the same way you do. Hopefully you can find a compromise you can both be comfortable with.