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For our final part in our series on New Year's resolutions, I would like to reintroduce Ellen Smith, the life coach who was featured in a previous interview on self-sabotague.
As Ellen says, she doesn't believe in New Year's resolutions at all, but setting a softer target that you can adjust as your life changes. She had so much to say, I needed an extra-long video to contain it all! Check it out below:
Transcript:
Ian: Hello folks! My name is Ian Crewe, I'm an instructor at the Joy of Dance Centre in Toronto, Ontario, and the creator of Social Ballroom Dance: Where you can learn your dance, at your place, on your schedule.
I'm joined here today by Ellen Smith - we've interviewed you once before.
Ellen: Yes.
Ian: Ellen Smith is a life coach, and she works in... I'll let you say that the other side of it.
Ellen: I'm a managing director of iMedia Matters, which is part of Media Matters Inc, which is a publishing company.
Ian: So today we are talking about - well, sort of about New Year's resolutions, but you have an opinion about setting New Year's resolutions. Why don't we start with that?
Ellen: I can start by saying I don't believe in them.
Ian: Okay (laughs)
Ellen: I stopped asking people to create solutions - or goals if you will - a long time ago. I remember it was 2008 and I started something called "Create Your 2008 or 2009, etc." And what it comes from is that, I noticed that when people start the New Year, They make all kinds of resolutions: "I'm going to lose that 10 pounds. I'm going to quit smoking." And then two weeks later they're back at it.
Ian: Yeah.
Ellen: I started to look into that, and realized that part of the reason for not following through, is it's easier to fall back into old habits to something familiar. It's comforting, even if it's not good for you. And the other is that it's too hard for them to try and establish a new habit.
Ian: Like, you're stretching too far out of your comfort zone.
Ellen: Exactly. Or deep down inside, you're saying to yourself, "you know what? I'm never gonna do that." So they self-sabotage. And that comes down to what your belief system is, which is, "I don't really believe I can I rely on myself." What I really believe is what I'm going to be forever.
What I ask people to do, is think of themselves at the end of the year. So let's say this is December 31st, 2018, and I want you to look back and write down what you've accomplished as if it's happened. And if you start to look at the pattern of the things that you choose - it can be big things, little things, or combination - you'll notice that there is a pattern.
Then from there, I ask people to set a theme for this coming year. So it could be, find a new job, it could be cleaning up the mess, it could be achieving abundance. In creating that, you start to say"okay, what does that look like?"
So for me, my theme this year is: Success, Abundance and Health. So those are my three buckets, and in those three buckets, what does "success" look like, professionally and personally? What does "abundance" look like, and what does "health" look like? S
So everything that I do, I start off by saying I can do this. I know I can write and and I tell myself outright - and this is not being a big ego thing - but I tell myself I can do this because I am just so fantastic.
Ian: (Laughs)
Ellen: So, you start to make choices that fit what you've already told yourself you've accomplished. And you'll find that over time, it starts kicking in automatically.
Ian: This is not so much on specific goals.
Ellen: Right.
Ian: So could you explain that first?
Ellen: Yes, it's about choices to make you the best and happiest person you can be. So a choice is different than a goal. The goal is, "I gotta run 100 yards and I've got to get the finish line before everybody else." A choice is, "am I gonna walk, or am I gonna run?" Right now, if you are a person who is overweight, a smoker, and potentially have a heart problem, probably running full-out is not a good idea.
Ian: Right, right.
Ellen: So you make a choice that you're going to do it, but you're gonna pace it. And you're going to start taking steps so that sooner or later, at the end of the year, you'll have run that hundred yards.
There's an acronym that I have given you, and I've given all people which is the word S.T.O.P. which is Stop, Think, Organize, Proceed. So it's not like I get up every morning, and I'm so absolutely deliberately conscious, that every decision I make, every move that I make has to be weighed. But when I come to something that causes me to go "hmm", then I'll stop, I'll assess it, and in the assessing, I will also take a moment to listen to myself and find out what I'm feeling. And you know whether you're being stubborn, you know whether you're being angry, you know whether you're being scared, you know all of those things.
When you hit that point, don't give up, don't turn back. Look at it - it's telling you something.
Ian: That's something that I think is so important, is that you never stop that self-analysis. Because I can speak for my own experience in the past, when I used to do things that that I would call "escapes". And I mean that in more of a negative way - I know for you it can be either positive or negative - but for me it was specifically as a way of escaping myself, or my situation, or just something that I didn't want to look at. And it sounds like what you're saying is, the important thing to never stop looking.
Ellen: Never. And never stop listening. What I do, which may sound a little new-agey, but when I wake up in the morning, I actually sit for a minute and ask "what is to come through me today?"
Ian: Right, right. So now we're getting into the how do we stay connected.
Ellen: Yeah. The other thing I say is "Thank you." Because every experience you have is a gift, even if it's negative. You learn something from it. It's a choice: Do I learn, or do I get grumpy?And we all get grumpy sometimes, and sometimes it's absolutely called for, but do I stay here or do I let it go?
Ian: And if you have the gratitude, then there's no room for the grumpiness; you can only have one or the other.
Ellen: And then sometimes when you get grumpy and you look at the gratitude of it, you realize how silly the grumpy looks.
Ian: And I do love this concept of a more general theme, because I think for a lot of people - and I know from personal experience - that sometimes it's very hard to define a very precise goal. It's like, when I first started blogging, I didn't know that I was going to create a whole business. But I just gradually... It sort of found me. I just ended up picking up all these different skills, and it's like, know I can use them all. How great! And looking forward to, how exactly do I want it to go? Well I don't know exactly how I want it to go, but I know some some general things and I'll keep my eyes open.
Ellen: Yes.
Ian: Why do the aversion to using "goal" as a word? Speaking as somebody who loves goals.
Ellen: I know (laughs). Goals can become quite rigid, and life isn't rigid. Say if your goal is: "I'm going to get a job with Bell Media, and I must have that job, and I'm going to have it by April 30th, 2018. And that's it - if I don't have it I'm a failure. And that's what people say to themselves. And what happens if you get a job that is better at a competitive company, and that has all the job satisfaction and the financial compensation that you're looking for. So how are you losing?
Ian: So to kind of recap over the different things that we've been talking about, it's often better for us to, instead of choosing a very specific goal for the year, to follow a theme, a vision that is flexible. Because one thing is that it allows us to be a little more forgiving with ourselves if we don't meet our exact specifications.
And also because it's acknowledging that life is flexible itself and there's gonna be things that will throw wrenches into our plans, and send us off on a different trajectories. So it allows us to still travel in generally the right direction without without needing to be so precise.
Ellen: And understand that the choice of direction you take may just what's required. So maybe if you take that straight path, it's not right for you. Maybe there's some things you got to learn along the way before you get there.
Ian: Well thank you so much for joining us today Ellen, it's always a pleasure having you and listening to your nuggets of wisdom.
Ellen: Thank you so much, it's been a pleasure.
Ian: Likewise. And thank you for watching everybody. If you have any questions or comments, you can always message me on my Facebook fan page, Ballroom Dancers Anonymous or you can email me at ian@socialballroom.dance.
And if you liked what you saw and you'd like to see more, you can either subscribe to my YouTube channel, or you can go to my website - there's a ton of great material there, so you won't regret it. And if you like, you can also subscribe to the newsletter there and if you do, you will get access to free dance instructional videos to help you improve your own dancing skills.
So thank you very much for watching and until next time, happy dancing!
Ellen: And happy New Year.