Who likes a dance where the leader is crushing your hand, while whipping you hard enough around you know you’ll need an extra chiropractic appointment this week? I don’t either.
If your partner is someone you know well, it’s usually okay to ask him or her to change before any permanent damage is done. But bringing up the issue with a stranger presents a difficult situation: How do we avoid offending our partner, while still getting across that they need to try something different? And if you’re the leader, how can you tell if you are doing something that’s bothering your partner?
Followers, let’s look at the worst-case scenario: You’re dancing with a stranger and he’s decided he’s going to show some of those fancy new moves he learned, which unfortunately he’s not the best at leading, and are quite painful on your end. What can you do?
1. Is it me?
Before you say anything, make sure there’s nothing on your end that needs correcting. For instance, many followers complain a fast turn hurts their shoulder, while not realizing that to protect themselves they must keep a strong L-shape with their arm in front of them throughout the turn.
2. It’s not you, it’s me.
Since your average male leader is rather sensitive to being criticized, make it about you. For instance, ‘sorry, but I hurt my arm yesterday, do you mind turning me a bit more gently?’ avoids telling him directly he needs to work on his leads (which, unless your an instructor, you probably aren’t qualified to make judgements on anyway), and even makes him feel like he’s protecting you.
3. It might be you.
Okay, you tried the above suggestion, and he’s just too clueless to realize what’s going on. Try this: ‘Sorry but it hurts my arm when I was turned that fast. Could we try again?’
This is a lot more direct than the last comment, but notice that you are not saying ‘it hurts when you turn me that fast’. It might look like the same thing, but most people won’t feel as threatened if the criticism is targeting the thing that happened, not them personally.
4. It’s you.
If all else fails, it’s time to exit the dance as tactfully as possible. Plead faintness, claim someone stepped on your foot, insist this song is too lousy to dance to, whatever you like. The point you’re making is you are finished with this dance, while still having the good grace not to accuse them directly. Thank him, then walk away and permanently scratch his name from your dance card.
By-the way, all this is assuming you are actually uncomfortable to the point of pain, not just mildly inconvenienced. Because just as aggravating as a leader who’s yanking you around, is a follower who’s decided she’s your personal coach for the duration of the dance. If they don’t ask for help, don’t offer any.
Leaders, now it’s your turn.
1. Tension is a bad sign
It’s one thing if your partner is tight as a rock from step one (more likely she’s green as grass, or nervous as hell), but quite another if she tenses up halfway through the dance. If she does, she either spotted her jealous boyfriend at the bar, or you just did something she didn’t like.
2. Watch the face
Was she fun and flirty one minute, giving you the scowl of death the next? Bad sign. A sign of boredom doesn’t mean you’ve faux pas-ed; a sign of pain or annoyance often does.
3. Keep your cool around criticism
If your partner does decide to speak up, assume it must be something serious, and give it proper attention: She’s not attacking you personally, she’s pointing out how you can make the dance more enjoyable for both of you. Swallow your pride, and try it her way, at least for the duration of the dance.
Okay, so now you know something’s up; now what can you do? It’s time to fall back on the tried-and-true basics while you figure out what might be setting her off. Focus on making your movements as fluid as possible - no sudden jerks or stops. Tone down the flair for a few steps, and pay more attention to how she’s responding to see if she relaxes. If she’s still sending warning signs, a polite ‘I’m not hurting you, am I?’ opens the door for her to say something, allowing you to find out more. In this case, a ‘well, maybe’ really does mean ‘yes’.
This a very delicate issue, and no doubt many of you will disagree with at least some of my suggestions. If you think there’s a better way to handle the situation, post in the comments and let me have it! Don’t leave the rest of us in the dark.
Just remember that dance is the only sport where the only way to win is for both teams to work together. So help each other out, and you’ll both have a richer experience for it.
As a dance teacher, I want to make sure my couple, both of them, knows where their: feet; elbows; hands; eyes; knees; and shoulders are at all times during the lessons.Then comes the night-out with friends where we have fun.
After all said and done – learning to dance isn’t easy what with listening to the music and the beat, making sure your knees don’t bump into your partners, nor should you bump into the next couple, and all the time keeping up with the tempo. This is a romantic and somewhat seductive activity, however do not kiss: only hint and then turn away. The fun will happen due to the instruction and much practice a couple partakes in before heading to the dance club. Always maintain a happy sensibility and in some dances a sense of grace. Fun! Two people dancing as a unit! Can’t beat it. You will come across as a handsome dance couple that knows how to have fun.
Well said – yep, kissing your partner is pretty risky 🙂